Thoughts for the Times

Today, I met a man who is seeing the nearness of his death threatening closer with every new day.

Of course, we should all realize that in reality, from the day we are born, we each begin our personal journey toward our ultimate death.

But my friend’s demise has more certainty than just a shadow over his distant future now. He is suffering from the accelerating progression of a dreaded disease which has been a part of his life for years past. Tragically, the illness is accelerating toward his final battle these days.

His doctors hope to enroll him in clinical trials soon. I tried to find encouragement in their suggestion, but as my friend reminded me, doctors only suggest such dramatic action when all other traditional treatments have failed. For my friend, hope becomes more limited with each medical visit.

“I am seeing the lid of my coffin close a little more each day,” he admitted to me.

I have been thinking sadly about what does it really mean to confront such a final reality for ourselves? How should we manage such an outlook in our daily life and times? How does such a terminally ill person face each new day with the understanding that their physical condition seems to worsen and their lifetime grows shorter with each sunrise? Do you sensibly make sure your affairs are in order, pay bills, file reports, make advance funeral arrangements, clean closets, give away treasured possessions, remind family and friends of your love, and choose not to buy green bananas? Or do you awake each morning, surprised at the opportunity of a new day?

My yesterday friend faces his mortality with each suspicious ache or pain, each doctor’s appointment, each new medication, and he knows that he may soon leave his friends and family. I am not sure how he - or anyone - can honestly or bravely confront their own loss. What does it feel like to look ahead, to be aware and to be forced to acknowledge an impending ending date on your life? Would it be somewhat comforting, having the framework of a timeline? Or would the news be so devastating that comprehension is unacceptable and paralysis of action sets in? Can the imminent reality and confrontation of death further define and clarify what kind of a person you are?

Of course, the reality of death is with each of us every day. An auto accident, heart attack, falling tree, earthquake, terrorist attack, blood clot or plunge through the ice can end our days abruptly, without warning or notice. And for the rest of us, old age, illness, medical errors or even self-imposed action can end our lives, ready or not.

But to be given the information that your days are numbered with a shorter calendar than you had hoped or expected must be a dreadful revelation. On one hand, it seems most appropriate to make arrangements and plans that will aid your family and friends after your passing. Some folks do advance planning under normal circumstances, but facing death sooner than later can motivate caring thoughtfulness on behalf of survivors.

But I also know of a young mother who was frozen by the reality of her death sentence as a result of her cancer’s uncontrollable spread. She felt too young to die; couldn’t face leaving young children and a loving spouse behind. Sadly, she left this world in anger and disappointment, too soon, without the farewells that could have been a gift to all.

In stark contrast, I received a letter today from a high school friend. Leading her news was the miracle of today’s survival of one of her daughters. Kathy had been diagnosed in 2008 with a widespread form of lethal kidney cancer in her transplanted kidney. After eight months of intensive but unsuccessful chemotherapy and hemodialysis, and a malignant fracture of her right arm, the 43-year-old woman chose to discontinue all treatments, enter hospice and use her remaining time to help prepare a slide show for her own funeral.

Then, a miracle occurred, say her doctors. Kathy got better. Scans confirmed reduction and even disappearance of the cancers in her liver, lungs and bones. She had confronted her own too-early death sentence but then her reality changed. She is suddenly recovering. In spite of skilled specialists and the most advanced treatments, Kathy was expected to die last year. Instead, she got better. She was given the gift of life for more days, and months, perhaps years.

Perhaps my yesterday friend will have a blessed reversal in his illness as well. Perhaps his ending will not be sooner but later, and perhaps he will be given the privilege of more days in his life, even as he struggles to keep life in his days. His family and loved ones want him to remain with them. But just as Kathy bravely faced her unwanted death, my yesterday friend is confronting what may sadly be next for him. His hope is not dead, but his struggle for survival is even more real now as the illness which he held at bay for so long now seems to be advancing.

Some things are under our control, and some are out of our hands. Whether we die sooner or later, whether we die suddenly or slowly, whether we face our end with dignity or cowardice, mortal life will indeed end for us all. This is, as the country song tells, “our temporary home.”

In the words of Pope Paul VI; “Somebody should tell us, right at the start of our lives, that we are dying. Then we might live life to the limit, every minute of every day…there are only so many tomorrows!”

Mel Kelly is a Carrabelle resident whose columns frequently appear in the Apalachicola and Carrabelle Times.